So following up on my last post about how things are going with me, personally, and what I am learning about the arthritis crisis, I thought I would share what’s been going on in the spiritual for me.
I have always been a little meandering on my path, but it’s been ridiculous over the past few years. After the crisis in California that landed us in Georgia, it took some time for me to get back into my body after having ousted myself due to overwhelming stress and trauma. But once I finally got there – and things on the home front seemed well improved – creating a space wherein I could actually RELAX – I reintegrated and sought to find a sort of footing in my new environment.
What I discovered, as I redefined the forward motion through my spiritual journey, was that I had hit upon a space where nothing I had practiced or “learned” was working for me, anymore. What I mean by that is, through years of worldwide turmoil and the revelation of so many people whom I had previously greatly admired being “on the wrong side of the equation” for me, I became pretty disconnected from any “system”. I’d already been through a few things that made me dismiss most of the “groups” I’d attempted to belong to, but I didn’t expect the entire rewiring of how I actually viewed Spirit, itself. I mean, it was a subtle change, but it was an impactful one.
I found myself, through most of these past few years, simply pondering my belief (fact, in my mind) that ALL systems have been corrupted. Even my beloved “New Age” community was truly not exempt, for all the endless claims of “Consciousness”. Systems, by and large, are neutral in nature. But any individual can be led astray from their core principles, and enough individuals in any given group going astray, and the entire system becomes skewed from its original intention. I won’t blather on about WHY I saw this happening in the community, but suffice it to say that conspiracy theories took hold of so many minds that they forgot what they’re really here to do. I found it deeply disorienting and discouraging. I also felt powerless in its shadow. So I opted to return to a supremely simple path that really didn’t incorporate anything other than connection to Spirit while trying to rebuild a life here.
Since our most recent crisis of both becoming unemployed 6 months ago and struggling to find ANY assistance (other than the tremendous kindness of others, and if I can’t promote my GoFundMe campaign on my own website, I don’t know where I can: My GoFundMe Campaign), and contending with a sudden onset of severe arthritis in hands, wrists, neck, knees and feet, I have been extremely focused on the pain, on the anxiety, on the sheer terror of our situation going forward. Neither of us can work at the moment. It feels like we are continually hanging off the edge of a cliff. It has been very difficult to maintain even my very basic practice. I do pray every day – not in a beseeching way, but in a way to be supported to find answers. I set out the desire and need for support from others while we are in this current set of crises. I am very fortunate that I DO have a support system, both locally and online, that has been a tremendous help over these last several months, but we all know that is not a sustainable solution of any sort. Some people have already had to pull away their support due to several factors, not the least of which is the duration of our problem.
It has been hard to maintain a positive and hopeful outlook, with what feels like a total betrayal of my body. We had vehicle issues for months, but my son helped us get that taken care of, and yet I am still not able to return to work – PHYSICALLY. I can’t even drive for that long a time, let alone do an actual job. It has been supremely demoralizing and I too often have found myself in the throes of depression and anxiety, unable to even address matters. While this is valid on the mental health front, considering all things past and present that contribute to BOTH our conditions of CPTSD, it does nothing to validate my inactions to my own MIND on days that I simply dysfunction.
I would still say that I manage to meet most days with a renewed sense of hope, because I know my hope is what has kept us going all these years. I am the Keeper of Hope around here, and I do everything I can to fulfill that hope, to find solutions, to maintain a forward trajectory. But I sure do come down hard on myself on the days I just can’t. Sometimes – just a few times over the past half a year – it’s intense, and then I have to help myself recover from THAT mental health crisis so that I can return to doing the things that will resolve our situation in some positive way.
I do spend some time on the phone with my daughter, who is a practicing Nichiren Buddhist (I chant, but would not go so far as to claim the label, myself), and who has lived enough life to be too-well informed on far too many trauma fronts and has done a great deal of work to overcome, and she tends to “unnoodle my head”, as I like to call it. Sometimes I cannot escape the “running around in circles in my mind” I get trapped in, and she magically has a way of bringing me back to Earth and refreshed with a capability to attack the problem(s) again. She is priceless in my process for being able to help me in that way. I am continually grateful for her (and for so many others who help me in so many different ways). It means so much.
But the struggle to remain present, to continue to have faith in Source and its desire for us to thrive, in a world where it seems everything is stacked against it, is HARD. Too often, despite all my “years of learning and practice”, I simply cannot FIND myself. What I am coming to realize is that this is part and parcel of the Human Experience, and that Spirit, itself, does not penalize me for my fights with myself. Realizing that – and trying to REMAIN conscious of it – is pretty important to my process.
About a month ago, I decided it was time to take up trying to rebuild this site. It is a daunting task, considering it is a lot of nothing right now, but one thing that keeps gnawing at me is that the Nichiren Buddhist chant I cherish so much (“Nam myoho renge kyo”) is all about dedicating and rededicating ourselves to the Greater Story, of making ourselves available to Source (or “God”, if that is your preference – I avoid the term for all the associations that come with it) for our life missions, our purpose, what service we are here to perform. I have known all my life that it was about writing. I have never considered myself an AUTHOR, because I have never made a dime off my writing (my daughter thinks it’s high time I change that). I always say, “Authors have to go to book signings and do interviews and a lot of peopling. Writers just write.” I do not identify with the whole “being an author” thing, because I JUST want to write… not have to be a marketing wizard and sell myself. Nonetheless, I feel CALLED to write, and to disseminate what I write. That’s why I have had this website for so many years.
I have often had the intrusive thought here recently that maybe I am having so much issue with my hands because I WON’T USE THEM for what they are meant to do. And, oddly, the act of typing is not terribly uncomfortable (besides a little wrist discomfort) and I again cannot shake the feeling that, if I write, some things will improve. At the very least, it helps my mental state. I keep too many things bottled up inside me these days, and the very act of letting off some of that pressure is healthy for me.
I am now just taking things a day at a time (as I have, for the past 6 months, really). But I am trying to remember to make my connection with Spirit one of the FIRST things I address every morning, instead of making it wait until I am in some mental or emotional quagmire in the middle of the day. Or to forget to make that connection for days, as I stew in my own soup of despair. I am finding that when I remember to REMEMBER WHO I AM, it helps a lot in how the day unfolds. Such an elementary thing to have to work so hard to retain. But when so much seems to be so inconceivably overwhelming, it’s easier than you think to lose track of oneself.
I guess, all this just to say that. I have struggled in the past. I got a reprieve for a few years, and am again in the midst of struggle. I am challenged to the ultimate extreme, some days. But returning to myself and returning to Spirit is priceless in its relief.
New Age Vision 